While we celebrate our year of 2014, it is mandatory to also reminisce on the injustice, but emotional baggage we assume will be left in the past. If the past, has not been resolved, those issues will follow you after we begin our resolutions and promises that we undoubtedly will not keep. We have accepted the myth that what ever you were born as, that is what you must remain. We believe that to rationalize our own fears. A gay man can have 5 sex partners his entire life, and the heterosexual male can move state to state just to screw different women and they are considered a celebrated pimp or mack.
As the years go by I have witnessed the utter disrespect of women, gays and misplaced judgment. We pick and chose what we believe in the Bible,and other religious documents. Some Black Muslims will sleep with other races of women,eat pork and but will above and beyond to disagree with someone’s sexual preference.
Loyalty changes day to day. The same person that went to bed as a sweetheart, turns around and acts different around friends. People can be so transparent, and so judgmental. We live in a crazy world, were we can dictate how we feel someone should dress or act. Women are born women, even if their genitals say differently. In urban communities, gay black men are ostracized by black men because of it not being sexually acceptable. In the end, it is all about putting on a show and degradation. Why is this girl dead? In our society we are taught she wasn’t a girl. Can you imagine you feeling comfortable about yourself, but having to be taunted just because what you and how you love? This is the suicide of a 17 year old, who knew who she was, but felt it would be easier to go sway.
I grew up a Jehovah Witness. I was friend with a gay man that loved God, but lived on the low because of our religion. Once he came out he was disfellowshipped , meaning we were not allowed to communicate with him, and we were obligated to ignore his presence. Well, I gave him a hug as a little girl, and he told me that I was breaking the laws and I couldn’t hug him anymore. I cried because I didn’t understand.
He later told me he loved me and that he was going to try to become active and I wouldn’t have to ignore him. He contracted AIDS and never received his chance to return as an active member of the kingdom Hall. He died in a hospital by himself , no one was allowed to come visit him. I fussed and told my parents it was wrong. It is wrong now. This little girl is dead,because of the same circumstances, ignorance and discrimination. We have to stop being homophobic, because of what people will react.
Was she a martyr? No, but she more tolerance at 17 than most adults. I have a close friend now who is Trans, what if this was Cassidy? What if she didn’t fight to be who she felt she should be? What if she gave up? I would have never encountered a true and kind heart person like her. Here is the letter that she left behind after she committed suicide.
“If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.
Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally “boyish” things to try to fit in.
When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.
My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.
When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.
I formed a sort of a “fuck you” attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight christian boy, and that’s obviously not what I wanted.
So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent’s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.
At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a shit about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.
After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I’m never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I’m never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I’m never going to find a man who loves me. I’m never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.
That’s the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that’s not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don’t give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.
(Leelah) Josh Alcorn. “