I am doing well, now. Things have been crazy this year. I know I am supposed to keep growing but I have kept a secret. Telling you this now, its hard trying to be strong. Sometimes it feels like the people who you show love to have other plans behind your back. The life I live has changed me forever.
I have told people who I knew that I had something terrible happen in my child hood.
I was molested when I was 5 years old. I was told by my older cousin that if I said anything he would kill my family and it would be my fault. He put my uncles hunting rifle to my head.
I still have nightmares about the hurt, and the loneliness. So its so hard for me to trust people at times. I have lived a life of pain, and betrayal.
When I trust someone and they lie, or go behind my back it makes me feel like that 5-year-old girl in the bathroom, crying while covering her eyes as the tears stained my face. As a little girl I would ask myself, often maybe I have done something wrong, or is this what I am supposed to do?
Some people make you feel like you are nothing. They just lie, and show no regard for a child’s life.
I am hurt, that my cousin died, and I never got to ask him “Why?” I have always felt that if you are a an older cousin you protect a five-year old. I was a baby.
Why is messymandella telling you this story? Everyone should know your story, and how you survived. I pray that this story will open the eyes of most that assume family won’t molest children. Sadly, most of the people I know who suffered from child abuse admit that their abuser was indeed family or a trusted family friend. It took time for me to realize that being molested wasn’t my fault.
It was devastating to me but I had to keep going. If you have a friend that has changed for the worst, be truthful. NO ONE SHOULD TREAT YOU LIKE YOU ARE NOTHING. When someone hurts me I turn into that crying little girl for a second. Then I remember the woman I have become. I will never respect people who molest children. I am naturally petite as an adult. Can you imagine me at 5, begging for a 6 foot, 300 pound person to stop overpowering me? I was terrified, and I later found out I wasn’t the only one.
My other female cousin was abused as well. She had to have surgery because he messed her up terrible. She can’t have children because of the abuse. instead of my uncle, letting his son rot in prison, he decided to put a lien on the house to pay for his sorry son’s attorney, and bribe my cousin to drop the charges, and say she was lying. Now that house is out of our family because he never could pay to get the lien from house, and went into debt. Lives have been ruined. You should never blame yourself, when people hurt you. As the terrific things start to happen, you will find that will give you inner strength to help others.
I told my dad when I was a teenager about the abuse. He had this look in his eye that I will never forget, and he looked at me and said, “Thank you for not telling me then, because if you did I would be in prison now for manslaughter.” It is so damaging when I hear children and women being abused mentally, physically, or manipulated with no regard. Your life is special and I have nightmares, but it makes me fight harder for our babies. No one should steal your innocence, or use you for there sexual gratification, just because they can do it.
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